Everyone thinks there baby is cute.

No, you really shouldn’t be a model.

I hate kids.

That pictures of your back tat gives me the hebs.

No, I do really like all 10,000 of your profile pictures you took of yourself in a mirror right after you got out of the shower!

Hey, how about instead of begging people for handouts on Facebook you go do it on the corner, I hear that’s much more effective. Unless you accept Paypal, then excuse me.

You saw, not seen.

Calling your kids yearly Easter pictures a photo shoot does not make your kid a model, or even cute.

***ITS SARCASTIC WEEK!!!  LIKE MY STATUS IF YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER THERE AND SLAP YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!!!***

My life is so much better now that I know that you ate a t-bone steak, green beans and a baby dinosaur for dinner!

Its good to know you hate your own kids, you do know there was a way for you to prevent them?

If life has got you down status about how awful it is and then when people comment and ask you whats wrong say nothing! Its so much better to have a little mystery.

I know some pretty amazing people who aren’t moms…just saying.

I beg to differ that Planned Parenthood is the root of all that is wrong with this country.

CT: oh christ

S: yeah! apparently everyones an actor!

CT: didnt you know?

S: of course I knew,I learned it in my acting class

S: Where at?

CT: pennsylvania (PA)

S: Oh my god….Im not that dumb, unless u mean they are locking down the state and everyone is sleeping outside.

S: Like a hospital, jail or the circus?

CT: i was gonna stop talking to you

CT: looks like a small mansion type situation

S: I know my state abbreviations. Thank you very much.

S: Damn! I want in!

CT: i know…i know…..

S: I bet it’ll be like that episode of sbtb. [Saved By The Bell]

CT: yeah, but it’s $250!!

S: Id pay that, but I would demand a refund if my socks weren’t knocked off.

CT: you get breakfast in the morning, so….

S: It better be served by all the ghosts.

There’s an old dude that comes into my work and plays the keyboard terribly, blows on his harmonica, and also does some sort of kung fu in the streets if you catch him on the right day. Anyways, his name is Cocomo Joe, we’re all used to him but i absolutely refuse to make eye contact or speak to him in fear that he will never stop talking to me.

The other day my co-worker and I were talking when C.J. was near and she decided to say HEY JOE WHAT’S UP?! And then slink away leaving me to the mess. She was listening as I was standing in the crossfire of his weird stories and flying spit.

I won’t bore you with all he said, although he IS  character (I just don’t have the energy to deal with people when I’m working at my retail job), but we did get a gem out of the shitstorm.

I’ll just quote this for you from an old man who is out of his mind and we don’t know where he sleeps at night….”I had a girlfriend then and I tell you what, she wasn’t giving me what I needed so I got rid of her and went out and got me a black one”.

Ha! I have no problem with any race whatsoever, but all of us black, white, asian, etc, laughed our asses off at that crazy crazy old man. Oh Cocomo Joe………he says if you google him you’ll find him on youtube….

C.T. Out

So I was out with a “Holyer than thou friend” (we all have them) She was going on and on about how much better her life was cause she goes to church every sunday yadda yadda yadda….Me being the drunk that I am I guess ( since I dont recall) agreed to go to church the next day. I guess I am always up for a challenge. I mean if shes gonna sit here and tell me how just sitting in church every Sunday makes her better, who i am to not want a piece of this action… But I guess… If there is one thing, I guess 2 things my dad taught  me, was to never talk about politics and religion. I said he taught me, I never said I choose to listen to him. So I agreed to go I really wish I could tell you why? I think that night I was riding the platform of “no you really can get black out drunk and go to church the next day” ….boy I was wrong…..

Settle your horses Kirk Cameron, We’re not gonna get left behind….But I can tell you that waking up with one of the worse hangovers to your ride to church almost in your drive way is less than desirable. Trust.

God! ( No pun intended) do I wish I could tell you that there was a hilarious Sable at church story that goes with this, but unfortunately I never made it to church that day… whoopsie daisy….

Lesson here is dont say your going to church with a hangover unless you mean it.

Amen.

~Cashmere

1. Dice
Dice

2. Knee
Light

So before I go into to detail at what I kind of store I was at when this said incident occurred , I would like to just say in no ways am I discriminating against anyone based on where they buy their clothes or where they wear them too. This story is straight facts.

Mall of America is one of the worst places on the planet. Why might you ask?  Because where else can you go where people come from all over the country or even the world (im sorry) to come to the biggest mall in the US to walk aimlessly among fellow idiots who come here on vacations and such. Really? MOA is your vacation hot spot, really?

If you have never been to the MOA let me give you a quick run down on what its like. First and for most I recommend popping a paxil or a vallum, you’re gonna need it, trust.  Hey, you could even slam a couple of beers in the parking garage before entering (nudge, nudge Cashmere) I’ll save that for another blog.  But, basically its just a mass amount of idiots walking around like they have never been inside a mall in their life. They usually have 5 sticky fingered kids and huge strollers either barreling through the crowd or walking so god damn slowly you just want to punch them in their necks. With this said let me get to why to heart and soul of this blog, the true reason why I dusted off this old blog to write again….

Taking into account everything I said above when I certain friend asked me to go to the MOA, you could for sure say I was slightly reluctant to say yes. But, I did say yes, and I am glad I did because I would have this gem of a story to tell.

We get to the MOA and fight our way through crowds of idiots, fools, sticky fingered kids and the occasional emo punk pre-teen (don’t even get me started.) It wasn’t until we got into the MOA when she told me what store she wanted to go too. RAINBOW…has anyone out there ever been to a rainbow?????? Well if you haven’t it’s the type of place where one would go to buy cheap ass clubbing clothes, I guess so they can look cheap ass in the club?!?! Beats me. Dont get me wrong I love a good bargain but i also love not having to replace a shirt after wearing it once.  just saying.

While my friends shops for god knows what I am wandering around, keeping to myself as hiphop blares in the back ground (i love rap, but also value the ability to hear) .  I’m just doing my breathing exercises, counting down from 10, putting my head between my legs, ok maybe not putting my head between my legs, but don’t think I didn’t think about it! I’m just standing there counting the seconds I’ll never get back, when out of the corner of my eye I see a little lady about 30 or she looked 30 wearing tight jeans, huge black snowboots, and a little pleather jacket, peaking over at me. I glance over and she pops back behind the shelf and is staring at me through the open slots, just then Michael Jackson”s (RIP) Thriller comes on…. I just moved to a different spot to get away from crazy lady….and she follows me….but she just didn’t follow me…she thriller danced followed me. Yep, she did the Thriller dance and followed me around the store.

Meanwhile, I am frantically looking for my friend who has disappeared somewhere in this store but the crazy would let up! I kept moving, she kept following and finally she started kicking at me from a distance and making eye contact!!! I move behind a row of fixtures and she gets at one end and just AIR KICKS AT ME!!!!! I finally spot my friend and tell her we need to get out of there and Thriller is over and the lady is gone…just like that.

I don’t even know what to say, but crazies come at me right and left. I wish Thriller Kicker the best and I hope some day I get to be on the drugs she was on, someday maybe someday.